thatblutiger

Over the past several months I have been falling into a deeper and deeper depression. Over the course of about a year and a half, I've lost every single friend I had, failed to maintain relationships with my family, pushed my family away, stopped doing the things I love, stopped being healthy, and stopped caring for myself. All of this perpetuates itself and it's so hard to break free. The only person I have left to talk to is you. and even you get sick of me. I want to tell you that I think about ending myself everyday, and that my "excessive need to cuddle" is the only way to stop those thoughts. I feel myself drifting away from everything I love. I am only capable now of watching TikToks on my phone for hours and hours, going to school, and occasionally going to work. My depression has taken over my life. There is nothing left for me now.

I no longer have anything to live for nothing to look forward to You probably don't understand. and that's okay I try so hard to push it aside for you but it all comes crashing down at the end of the day when my only lights shut off for the day, i find myself in total darkness I no longer have a light of my own to guide my path so Im left stumbling in the dark and i find myself with no way out Now as I look into the future I see nothing bright my heart is deeply filled with dread i only want to spend all my days in bed i have no urge to live or to thrive waiting for the day that i might die

I've never been one for dresses. Unfortunately, with celebrations around the corner I don't have much of a choice. I stuffed myself into one that I didn't quite like, but for the time I thought it was okay. That's when she should have looked the other way. She didn't and plainly said "it would look so much better if you lost some weight". Now all my depressive thoughts finally crashed down Pushing them away was no use It's all just the usual, nothing I haven't heard before. "I hate you" "You ruined me" "Fat and disgusting" "You're a waste" "Just do it already". How much longer will I wait before I finally take measures into my own hands? No matter how hard I seem to try nothing gets better. I'm always under the weather. I don't want to go to your party in a little black dress. I want to lie in a street. Maybe then I wont be so stressed.

All I want to do is wither away and die I was so close before but i just decided to quit, and i dont know why just 40 away and I could have made it i would have just withered and died just like i wanted but of course, that was too big of a goal. now im so far from the starting line, that i cant even see where to go im crying now everyday, at least in my heart it feel so everyday i realize how little i have and how much ive lost but now i realize that im paying the cost HOW I HATE MYSELF for giving up so easily. i would beat and bludgeon my former self i would tear out my eyes and tongue i would rip my body to shreds and throw it away just so i wouldnt have to face the pain of today

I made my way across the room collapsing more and more with each step yet closer I crept to you You were laying in your bed happy to see me glittering eyes and a wagging tail your heart was full of glee You didn't know why I was crying but you still comforted me with soft kisses, all with out prying I cried and I cried but you never said a word but I could feel your comforts that were left unheard After a while I finally calmed down you helped me with yet another breakdown I don't know how you are the only one who can console me this easily Perhaps it's because you are everything everyone is not I hope that you know I love you a lot.